The engagement!

Hello!! My engagement was 2 weeks ago and as I already expected, I was a mess. I was stressed with work, with school that just started and I couldnt deal with a lot of things. About 2 weeks before getting engaged, Luqman told me that his mother wanted us to exchange a fruit basket. And she wants me to have some perfume/toiletries as well. I only intended to exchange 3 trays but in the end we exchanged about 6.

A week before my engagement, I went to JB to "disconnect". i went to look for fruit baskets. I took the opportunity to go to some shops to get stuff for DIY and mannnn, so excited to go and buy more DIY stuff. ahahah (there's pictures of this too!)

The day before my engagement, I also went to get a another diamond ring, courtesy of both Luqman and his mother. I didnt put the ring i got on the tray, instead, i put the ring that his mother got because it is only right. So i have 2 rings now!

The paramount amount of stress I had cannot be put into words, really.

I have pictures to share and I am soo lazy to rearrange them, so sorry! The pictures are not in order!

Btw, kakak and Farhan asked farhan's brother in law, who is a freelance photographer, to take pictures of the engagement and though I dont have all of it yet, I figured that if i do not put up this post now, i might never end up doing it.

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Time is ticking really fast and i think of the future and what it apparently promise with a feeling of disdain. I dont mean to be ungrateful or unappreciative but honestly, i find it truly hard to be hopeful when more often than not, hope is the one thing that disappoints me. I want to be excited, i want to be hopeful and be gleeful and be merry, but i just cannot. I worry. I worry about everything. I dont know how not to be anxious or how not to worry. To be completely honest, i am scared out of my wits and i dont think words would suffice.

jinx

seems like i can never do anything right and all i do is screw things up. everything and everyone close to me just seem to be the worst version of themselves with me. i should not be in the equation at all.

Tired

Lately, i feel so tired. Im exhausted from daily activities and i just want to be in bed and read or just kill time. I prefer to be by myself and i prefer that my plans after work is just to be by myself. I rejoice that once i knock off work, i can put on my earpiece and be in my own world. I find that not everyone appreciate conversations and i find that conversations tire people out too. I find that i tire people out. In turn, i am now tired of myself. 

Pre-Engagement 1.0

It feels like forever since I last wrote here. I just write in draft and never publish them. But anyway, it is already June now, meaning the actual engagement will come by pretty quickly once Hari Raya come and goes.

Ring – I thought long and extremely hard about the gemstone ring I really wanted and if it is something worthwhile. Luqman and I debated fiercely with each other and where cost is involved, i felt like i had to make a smart choice between investing in the engagement ring or getting a nice band. In the end, I chose investing in a nice band instead of purchasing a gemstone ring. I am only able to make this decision because I already know what band I want when we get married and calculating the costs involved, it just was not smart la. Sapphire gem ke ape ke, i guess, it can always be a present /upgrade in the future hahahaha. Tunang belum, kahwin belum, da fikir nak upgrade and da nak mintak as present lol BUT i guess, it worked out because I truly love the ring we bought for the engagement from Gem by Gems. I love and I love and I lovesss it.

Dress – I knew all along that I didnt want to rent the engagement dress because I feeel like it might be a bit too bridal-ly and I dont want to top up about $100 to rent the dress for a few hours you know? I decided to buy the dress instead. Every year, my family will buy our Hari Raya outfits from JB and I was quite confident that JB would have nice dresses and since the rate is SGD 1 : RM 3, i felt like I should take advantage of it. So last weekend, when we went to JB, i found a dress. It was the first dress i tried and after going around the whole Angsana, i went back to the store and get it. Initially, I wanted a dress that was not conventional in colour, i wanted dark colours, because my mood and temper when it comes to all this was just dark and moody. hahaha but my dad felt otherwise. I never realised my dad was a little bit primitive, but hokay la. I got the dress for about SGD140.

Catering – This was a little challenging and the most pening kepala thing? hahaha After a lot of going back and forth, we settled on a caterer that Luqman’s family is comfortable and have been using for several family occasions. This might be the same caterers we will engage for the wedding itself. 4 lauk (Ayam Merah, Rendang Daging, Sweet & Sour Fish, Cereal Prawn) Plus brownies and delivery = $950. I personally have never tried his food but since Luqman and his family rave about it non-stop then okla, cannn

Make-up – I placed deposit for Shima Matin Make-up a few months ago when I was a on a high on placing money on deposits haha. I kind of look forward to meeting her and hoping to look pretty hahaha

All that is done, I just need to order cakes for the dulang exchange thing. We are going to exchange 3 trays. I am doing my own paper bouquet and that is still very very very grey….Hopefully it works out. lolzzzz

That is all for now!

Troubled

There are days that i wonder on the point of being here. I wonder if everyone around me is better off without me. I feel like such a burden and most times, i really wish to just disappear. I find that being myself is not enough and i want to be better, to be more, to do more so that i can feel useful and better about myself – so that i wont think that i would be better gone. It’s really silly of me to think this way. Cause it’s my fault in the first place for letting people who dont appreciate my presence to be the pinnacle of my universe. 

That time when the adults meet

30th April came and went so quickly that I am still digesting from the things that took place. It may be nothing huge but it was a necessary step. Luqman and his family came over to my place to officially meet my dad. I knew the day was coming long before it even happened. We talked about it briefly last year and confirmed the month and dates earlier this year. I just never expected to be so stressed and emotional days leading up to it. I mean, it was just a meeting what. But I was really worried about how the day will unfold. I wouldn’t have been so worried if my mum is alive and you know, running the show. Between my dad and my mum, Mama was the sociable one. So I worry. The bulk of my worry, however, lies with the fact that since Papa remarried, the house don’t really feel like mine anymore. I worry about the arrangement of things, about the food, about a lot of things that I cannot control. And my emotions got the better of me many times and when others would probably not find any of this process stressful, it was extremely nerve-wrecking for me.

It may seem that I pull out the dead mother card to get my way, but it really isn’t. Not having my mother around for big things such as this, suck. Ya, it is nobody’s fault, and there is really nothing that can be done, but I also cannot help feeling the way I do. I cannot be expected to “get over it” or just get my shit together.

Thankfully my sisters were around to try and keep me calm. They are the only ones who can truly understand the depth of my misery since they were/will be in this position. So the only people who can tell me to suck it up and get away with it is them. Hahah
The night before they came over, I tossed and turn and woke up many many times dreading the day ahead. I was so nervous my fingers trembled and when I tried to give out the cup of tea, it was so bloody obvious, I made Awin do it. Drama gila siol.

I already foresee what a hopeless wreck I’ll be when we do more serious stuff like the engagement / wedding.

In Shaa Allah, everything will go smoothly.

Please pray for me!!

Hehe

So So Surreal

Yesterday Luqman and I went for our bridal appointment to sign the contract and make our deposits. It was too crazy surreal…

We were both not feeling well and I was rushing from City Hall to make it in time for the last appointment time at 7pm and we were both incredibly snappy and ticked each other off at the littlest thing even when we were at the door step of the bridal place. haha

The day ended pretty well, I would say. We received a rather good news and Luqman was so excited about it and it made my heart swell.

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Quality weekend

Last weekend, Luqman and I were supposed to go ring shopping. I was quite looking forward to it but eventually, we didn’t go. It was purely my decision not to go cause we all had an impromptu sleepover and i just got so lazy. It’s okay though.. We can always go look for a ring another time, but to gather with friends and spend quality time, should definitely take precedence over ring shopping.

I don’t regret cancelling my appointment and although the part i look forward to the most, in this whole process is my ring, I just believe that what’s meant for you will always be meant for you. 

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My love for gemstones 1.0

Over the last few years, I have been quite attracted to the idea of a gemstone ring. I like that it is not a norm for people to actually choose to invest in a gemstone for a ring since it is more of a costume jewellery.

Seeing the variety of it on Pinterest makes me even more keen to have a gemstone ring for when I get engaged/when i get married.

My gemstone of choice : Blue Sapphire

Although Emerald and Rose gemstones are also reallly reallly realllly prety, guys……….

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